Mean Boys

Can I ask you all a question?

Do you hate the men in your lives?

I mean the ones you make out with, not the ones you’re related to.

No?

Then why in the name of something people ask things in the name of, do you take them shopping with you? They don’t want to go. And if they do? Then that’s a problem.

Do not let boys pick out your clothes!!! Have you seen their clothes? They should not be in charge of your clothes. Unless they are gay. And if they are gay? Don’t date them. It’s a DISaster, and nobody likes those.

Also, the boy shopping with you thing? It’s a little controlling and controlling leads to emotional abuse and emotional abuse leads to the least informative Oprah Winfrey show ever:

Secret video: Dan is yelling yelling yelling and bringing the mean stuff all over his wife.

Oprah: Dan, why do you do this?

Dan: I don’t know.

Oprah: Dan’s wife, how do you feel about this?

Dan’s wife: I don’t like it.

Oprah: Dan, why do you do this?

Dan: I don’t know.

Dan’s wife: I don’t know either.

Therapist: I think Dan is angry.

Oprah: It’s cute that you think anyone’s listening to you, here’s what I think. I think Dan is angry.

Audience: Now that is some shocking motherfucking shit. Did you see that coming? Angry? I thought his heart was two sizes too small. Angry…huh. That Oprah. She is a fucking genius.

Oprah: Dan, why do you do this?

Dan: I don’t know.

Oprah: Thank you, Dan. Really, I thank you. I know this was difficult.

Dan’s wife: Ummmmmm…thanks?

Audience: Do you think that thing about wearing red getting you on camera is true? Angry…that fucking Oprah…genius.

Anyway, what brought this post on? I was in DSW today (where I spent $112, while saving $113. This is how you beat The Man) where I saw this woman totally get dumped right in the middle of the store. Unfortunate…yet entertaining.

It wasn’t as entertaining as it could have been though, seeing as how the man doing the big dump (ew!...not like that…you’re gross) was doing so over the phone not live on pay-per-view. But still, it was fun for me, until I remembered that I fully and completely object to any relationship-severing type conversations that do not take place in a face to face encounter. So, no matter how annoying this chick comes across in the proceeding transcript, please remember that this dude is a total dick.

Crying lady in DSW: But what am I supposed to do? I do not even have a tissue!

Me: Dude, (Dude in this case being me as I was talking to myself because I was, as always, alone) is she crying?

CLIDSW: But why?

Me: Yup, she’s crying. AWWWKward. How can I get around her to those shoes that she is directly in front of.

CLIDSW: But why now? But why when I am here where I am?

Me: Awwww. She’s dumb. Poor little lamb. Dumb and crying in the middle of a shoe store. So sad.

CLIDSW: I do not even know what that means.

Me: That’s because you are super dumb. And also? You are not smart. And me? I am totally going to get struck down by all kinds of bolts for talking shit like this in my head.

CLIDSW: Can’t I just come over?

Me: NOOOO. Don’t go over. God, do not let her go over. I know this guy is a dick what with the whole phone break up but PLEASE, give him sense enough to talk her out of coming over. Nobody should ever go over…EVER. Now, also, could you drop the price of shoes sometime? That would be super helpful. That’s it for now, so sorry to interrupt you, feel free to return to miracle-making any time now.

CLIDSW: But I just found shoes for you. I just found the ones we saw last time but now they’re on sale I could just bring them and then…

Me: Don’t make eye contact, let’s just get us out of this aisle before we throw up on her.

CLIDSW: (mumble mumble sniffle sigh sigh)

Me: Yes, this aisle? Much better. Still have view of drama, but out of earshot so as to avoid accusations of not minding my own beeswax. Also, “minding my own beeswax?”…worst expression ever, let’s stop using it post haste, ‘kay?

CLIDSW: Fine. Fine. OK. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. OK. I guess. Fine. Fine. Fine.

Phone: Click

CLIDSW: (to DSW worker man) Can you put these back?

Me: Is this seriously happening? That dude is a fucking dick. If I did not hate the talking to of the people I would totally go say something to her but we all know how I feel about the people.

And that, my friends, is how we got to today’s lesson: Boys? No shopping with them, ok? They will dump you on the phone. Can we automatically assume that the two things are related? No. Do I care and do I love the random-ass assumption? No...and then yes.