October Letters

Dear People of the Universe,

You know what you should not do if your family is being batted around by events that make you (but more so your mom) want to cry more than a little?

You should not watch a show about two-headed babies.

Because at more than one point in that show? One of the heads comes off, and it’s not the best.

Seriously,
e

Dear Sheryl Crow,

Good is good and bad is bad?

No shit.

Smooches,
e

p.s. On the cover of Self? One of your eyes is TOTally bigger than the other one. heh.

Dear Rachel Ray,

Just when you win me over, you hook up with Oprah? Really? You JUST got less annoying. Haven’t you seen Dr. Phil? And don’t you already have four shows? Leave some for the rest of us. Well not me so much because I really could not want to be on tv any less than your friendly neighborhood hermit but still, you see where I’m going.

You had to push it, didn’t you?
e

Dear West Wing,

Shut it. Immediately.

Bradley Whitford, I’m looking at you. And get rid of your stupid name while you’re at it.

I mean now,
e

Dear $,

Why don’t you like me? Don’t you want to hang out with me for a little bit at least? I’m working, I’m reasonably nice, and on certain occasions, I have to say, I’m a hoot.

I really feel like I am offering you a very nice place to stay so please? For a little while? Just stay here and hang.

I’ve got beer,
e

Dear girls on Laguna Beach,

Who smushed in all of your faces?

I mean really…why do you look like that? All of you…it’s freaking me out.

No offense, the boys look funny too,
e

Dear Squash,

When did you get so good? I’ve been very anti-you for very long and now I am jumping right on board. Let’s work on the name now, ok? Lovely.

I’m not talking to you, squash the game…you’re silly and dumb and men only play you to talk to other men about the secretaries they are sleeping with. Well, at least that’s the gist I got from Dynasty.

Squash the vegetable..who knew?
e

p.s. On further reflection, I realize that “Squash the vegetable” sounds like I’m telling you who are reading this to actually squash (as in smush in the manner of the not so lovely ladies mentioned above) the vegetable of your choice. If you think that? Then you’re stupid. Sorry.

Dear my cable company,

Switching Fox News with Mtv…just plain mean.

I don’t like you,
e