What's That? Shannon Stole My Letters?

I don't think so. Yes, she has beautiful children, yes, she's a chemist, yes, she has managed to consistently out-shoe me this year, yes, she updates her blogs all the time and so everybody loves her.

BUT

NO

She will not steal from me!

And so,

Dear AOL,

I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEE you!!!!!!!! I mean, from the bottom of my belly I hate you. You are the worst. You hide my mail from me, you do that irritating beyond all reasonable account thing where when I log out and attempt to write something in the address bar, you put the cursor in your search box. Where, you then execute the worst, most useless, least helpful search to be found on the Internet.

And why Why WHY, when I check my mail from work, do you a)never work and b)dedicate only enough room for me to see TWO emails when you have the entire freaking screen covered with useless nonsense!!!!!! I DON'T WANT YOUR CHANNELS!!!!!!!!!!!!

D'oh swears when we get married we can get high speed and then I will get rid of you and I will love it. It will fill me with so much joy that my Yahoo mailbox can be full to the brim with spam every day and I will whistle a little tune as I delete it because anything, even 500 emails from someone named debora who I think is stalking me, will be better than you.

You're dead to me,
e

Dear Top Chef,

Why are you on so late? I guess it's not that late but there was NOTHING on tv tonight so it feels very very late. And why are you so poorly edited? And what is with all the figs? And, um, dude, why call attention to the "crustiness" of your dish? Maybe it's just me, but that's a little yucky. However, I do think it's hilarious that the obnoxious bald judge has to eat alone in the kitchen and although this episode has not ended, I'm full of hope that the girl with the widgy ears who never says a word on camera but is full o'smack off camera, will be kicked off tonight.

(Edited to add) But let me say this, you jack-headed judges. If one of these contestants ever EVER didn't send out a dish, you know you would send them home in about 10 freaking seconds, so how about you just shut it, and maybe put some clothes on because even in an episode about offal, you are thing that grossed me out.

(Edited again to add) I do, however, appreciate the increase in the number of cute boys this year. Nicely done.

We'll see,
e

Dear Invitation Stationery Lady,

You are so nice. You are a pleasure. So far, you have been the most helpful, least pushy, most forthcoming with useful information type person outside of our families I have come across in the wedding planning parade and I would like to encourage you to go into the floral/catering/favor/priest business asap.

Thanks,
e

Dear Laundry,

Just do yourself. And don't be so expensive. And let me use different types of coins.

You're dumb,
e


Dear Gilmore Girls,

I don't get what you're doing. I've seen every episode of this show, and the one thing, that I absolutely have NOT been waiting for, is that pencil head grossing me out every freaking week. He may be on once a season at most if you want to stay friends. Otherwise, I'm telling everyone that you smell.

I'm not kidding,
e

Dear Internet,

I just remembered there is a Peppermint Patty in my purse.

Gotta go,
e