A Result of Driving Today

Share this, Bitches!

Bike people (On the off chance that Shane Williams is reading this, please consider yourself to not be included in the bike people group), you are bothering me. I can share a road with the best of them but you fools are supposed to do the same, remember? AND, you are supposed to follow all the same traffic rules that we are and you are not supposed to run stop signs or red lights. So when you do, and you get squished like a bug, know that you’ve earned it. Most of the time you yellow-shirted faux-Armstrong fools are in front of me you are way out in the middle of my lane. This is not sharing and it is even more not sharing when there is a vacant and expansive bike path right over there. That path follows the exact same route as the road we are on and I would like you to get on it post haste. Thank you. There’s plenty of room for you because none of you fuckers use it. And a special note to the man I saw two years ago biking down the middle of Wisconsin Ave. during rush hour wearing a shirt that said “One Less Car:” You still annoy me and a small part of me still regrets not giving you a little nudge.

Embarrassing Moment #43213234549

Have you ever been driving along on a busy road/highway and a horrendous song that you know you shouldn’t love but do comes on and you turn it all the way up because you love it and no one can hear you anyway? And then, have you ever suddenly realized that you are no longer in a crowded area but rather stopped at a red light next to a crowded bus stop and the song is still playing really loudly and you have a stupid grin on your face because you love Love LOVE the song so much and everyone is staring at you? Me too. Today’s song? “Neutron Dance” by the Pointer Sisters. Awesome.

Seat Belt Hickey and Other Problems

Since my car is undergoing surgery, I have to drive my mom’s car. I do not love this car. I don’t dislike it and I’m grateful to have it but it is a fucking boat. It doesn’t look that big but it is most definitely not small. Today, in the middle of pulling into a ridiculously oversized parking space, I had to stop and laugh at myself because it literally took me three different turn-reverse-turn-forward maneuvers to get the thing in there. Not my finest hour.

And the boat has leather seats which I really don’t believe are ever a good idea.

And the boat makes a very frightening, monster-eating-your-brakes kind of noise when you first start driving it.

And the boat’s mirrors show only a minute portion of your surroundings and you feel a little bit like a blind person and sometimes the boat decides it would like to get a little closer to the cars in the next lane whether you’re steering or not…although there is a distinct possibility that I just wasn’t paying attention there.

And as many times as I embarrassed myself while in the boat today, it couldn’t let me go without a parting shot. For some reason the gas pedal on this car is bizarrely far back, requiring me to move the seat all the way forward to have any chance of reaching it. This means that instead of resting nicely and safely on my shoulder, the seat belt goes almost directly across my neck. So, in the event of an accident I will most likely be decapitated rather than rescued by that particular device. Anyway, the edge of it digs into my neck the whole time I’m driving which is annoying enough but I realized, upon getting out of the car, that it leaves a gross red, blotchy thing on my neck that is alarmingly reminiscent of a hickey. Pretty.