Ouch

My back hurts. It hurts all the time. While I’m sitting, while I’m standing, while I’m sleeping, while I’m brushing my teeth, even when I’m super wasted and theoretically should not be able to feel anything (or see anything)…all the time. It hurts so much at this particular moment that I am writing this entry in an effort to not cry (I have mentioned crying a lot lately, and I don’t really think I’m a cryer. No, wait, I think I am. But not over small stuff, only over car dents, back pain, the end of the movie Hardball, and whenever anyone else I know is crying) This is discouraging because I’m only 27 and I should not need a new spine already.

It doesn’t hurt the same way all the time. Sometimes it’s a dull throb, sometimes I feel like I’ve gotten hit with a stick across the middle of my back, sometimes I feel like my upper spine is sitting on my lower spine in the same way that older siblings sit on younger ones just because it’s funny. There is pretty much always a feeling like I’ve gotten hit by a tennis ball somewhere on my lower right side and sometimes, a shooting pain down my back will prevent my right leg from moving properly. All this is bad news. But what do you do? The only time my back does not hurt is in the two hours after I’ve done an hour of yoga. I like those two hours. However, I cannot spend one out of every three hours doing yoga. I don’t have that kind of time and I’m not even employed! Plus, I think doing that much yoga would somehow inevitably lead to me marrying a man with a ponytail and that is my least favorite thing ever. Followed closely behind by men who wear denim shirts with jeans and you know most men with ponytails LOVE that look.

But what do I do about this? Heating pads don’t work, ice doesn’t work, walking doesn’t work, laying on a flat surface with my knees lifted doesn’t work, prayer does not appear to be working but since it is Ash Wednesday and I have no intention of going to Mass, I probably had no shot with that remedy anyway. I’m poor and painfully single so massages are not available to me.

I know that part of the problem is the fact that I am physically incapable of sitting in a chair like a normal human being. For instance, right now, my right leg is bent underneath me and my left knee is bent so that it can hold up my chin because I am very sleepy as I write this.

The reason I am sleepy is probably also the reason my back hurts (Ew. It’s not that). I spent the first four hours of my day cleaning out my closet, moving and lifting heavy objects down multiple flights of stairs without “lifting from the knees” whatever that means, and then shoving gigantic bags of clothes and shoes into a recycling bin with an opening way to small for the volume of clothes and shoes I can stick into one bag. I’m not 100% you can even donate shoes but I did. They match the clothes I gave away, and they’ve hardly been used. I like to buy things that I don’t really like, never wear them, hold on to them for years, and then give them away with the tags still on. I have decided to stop doing this and am confident that one day, I will. Especially since I have zero dollars. I came to a similar decision about doing shots several years ago and I have to say, I have been mostly successful. I don’t even like most shots and I’m a much smarter drunk than I used to be so I’m pretty sure I’m done with them.

ANYWAY, my back hurts even more now that I have forced my two asleep legs into a pretzel underneath me so I should wrap this up. Huh, as soon as I wrote “wrap this up” I completely ran out of things to say. So, all done!