Fine, Here it Is! or How I Spent My Winter Vacation or Meddy Kreestmas, I Vant to Suck Your Blood!!!!!!!
To say the least, the holidays were exhausting. In a good way, though, with lots of merriment and merrymaking, aside from a slight cheesecake power struggle that erupted between me and my mom, but was swiftly squashed by a realization that the wrong cheesecake had been made and the throwdown was called off. If you’re related to me, you know what I’m talking about. If you’re not, you are probably not reading this, anyway.
So, knowing in advance that the holidays would be doubly crazy and time consuming what with the addition of D’oh and his family’s traditions I decided to tackle the most work-intensive part of the holidays, gift giving, with an uncharacteristic good attitude. This shouldn’t have been too difficult because who loves giving gifts more than me? Answer: No one.
The good attitude was specific in nature, however. I knew that one wrong encounter with a surly salesperson would send me tipping right back over to RageTown, USA (It’s in Texas) so I decided that I would win them over. The salespeople would love me, because I would force them to. After all, I come from their ranks.
As recently as way too recently for someone my age, I worked retail in a resort town. What I learned in that job, is that people who have lots of money and go on vacation are evil and bad and should be paid a visit by Children’s Services. I’m not kidding. There is no person more miserable than the 50 something dad of a 5 year old being forced to spend time with their family in such a concentrated time and space. They hate their families a little, is what I’m saying. But! They have to keep that to themselves, that hate, so they feel free to share it with whoever else crosses their path, especially those who are younger and poorer than they are. And if they are in a position to impact those people’s day for the worse? They will take it and tear right into it. It really is disturbing how cruel grown people will be to people in the service industry, just because they can. But let’s not sail off on that tangent, there are vampires ahead in this story!
Anyway, one of those 50 year old men, I was determined not to be, so off I went to spread my Christmas cheer and much to my surprise, it freaking worked! People, as evidence of my success, listen to this! I won over the Grand Mama of Miserable Salespeople (a.k.a. the one lady working the returns counter at Toys ‘R Us one week before Christmas.) I had her wrapped around my finger by the time I got out of there, and she didn’t make me show my receipt. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to exchange anything there, but be it known that thou shalt render your blood in exchange for thy Tinker Toys iffeth you arriveth withouteth your receipteth. (That was weird, huh?)
I kept up my shiny attitude for many many shopping trips but then, as I should have known, I hit a roadblock. There are some people in my family, specifically some boys and boys-in-law that proved a little difficult to shop for. Now, I KNOW that I don’t have to give everyone the perfect gift and some people tell me I don’t have to give them a gift at all. Which is fine and I get it, but that kind of hurts my feelings because I do not give gifts because I have to, I give them because I love to give the gifts! I love the be the giver of the Best. Gift. Ever! So just take your gifts and tell me how awesome they are, even if you return them, ‘kay?
Um, anyway.
The quest for the gifts for these people had sapped my good will and my regular, somewhat cranky attitude was starting to emerge when I finally, Finally, FINALLY stumbled across a kiosk in the mall (I know) that sold these prints of all these places around DC that you would only recognize if you really lived here. At last! Perfect. Gift. FOUND!!! My good attitude was on the verge of returning, when I heard.
“You like to be looking at zee peectures?”
I turn around, come smack dab face to face with Vampire Lady #1
Me (still surprisingly friendly given that I am, you know, me): “I’m just looking”
VL#1: “ Ok, thees ees ze prices and thees ees the prices and over here, thees is the prices.”
Me: Ok, thank you.
VL#1: Oh, I deedn’t meeeen to boder you. I don’t want to be bodering you. I deedn’t meeeen to boder you.
Me (looking at D’oh with the exact expression you would have if you were a regularly rageful person who had just been perfectly nice to a vampire who in turn became completely offended): …
At this point Vampire Lady #1 wanders off a little and keeps muttering about how she didn’t mean to bother me which is fine except….WHAT?
I pick a print for a boy-in-law, pay the scary lady and scurry off, baffled to say the least and a little annoyed because my perfect record of salesperson kindness had almost been broken and who doesn’t like to achieve their goals? Not me, that’s who. (Does that make sense?)
However, because I am apparently the type of person who somehow always manages to prolong situations that annoy her to the point of insanity, I had to return to the mall for some last minute gifts, and I told myself that I would NOT leave the mall until all my shopping was done. Except then I couldn’t find anything so I unwillingly stopped back by the kiosk (I know) to give the prints another quick look. And, things were looking up because Vampire Lady #1 was not there. Except:
Vampire Lady #2: I see you bee looking at zee pictures for vedddy long time, no?
Me (Out. Of. Patience!): I’m just looking
Vampire Lady #2: Okaaaaaay, I just to be standing here staring at you until you are so uncomfortable you consider jumping over the railing to get away from me.
Me (Literally, two minutes later): Do you have another copy of this, there is some dirt on the mat.
Vampire Lady #2 (Drawing herself up to her full 4 foot 9 inch frame and giving a little, I don’t even know, shimmy?): You know what this is? This? This? This it is dirt. You know what else it is?
Me (to myself, I think): Kill me kill me kill me kill me
Vampire Lady #2: It is reeeeemmmovvvaaabbbllle.
Then the lady dusts it off, puts it back in the plastic wrap or whatever, puts the print behind her back and just stands there staring at me, obviously trying to hypnotize me with her eyes and creepy demeanor until I squeezed my blood into a sippy cup and gave it to her.
Many moments of silence pass. I have no idea what to do.
Me: So, can I buy it?
Vampire Lady#2: Oh, you want to buy it? I did not know because you are so….
And then she just stands there smirking at me. Never a good idea, my friends. Never.
Me (to myself, possibly): Do not kill her do not kill her do not kill her. Yes, she is insulting you in some strange Transylvanian way but this is the last gift, let’s make it through. Let’s dig in. Let’s dig deep. Let’s be a team player. Let’s remember our good attitude. Let’s remember how we won over the mean Toys R Us lady. Let’s…not expose our neck.
Unfortunate passerby to Vampire Lady #2: Do you know where the food court is?
Vampire Lady #2: You to go down and you to turn right.
And then she turned back to me while the girl is still standing there and says,
“You see how I am very abrupt with them, yes? I guess that is my way”
Me: What the…?
More awkward staring commences until she FINALLY tells me the price, takes my credit card, writes something down (not the price, some strange very long sentence) in her little notebook about me, and gives me a raised eyebrow as a goodbye after doing that thing where she keeps holding on to the bag after she hands it to me for just that extra second too long.
I have know idea what that whole experience was about, but it happened, and it was vaguely interesting enough to constitute a blog entry of some length so happy belated holidays. Fa la la la la and all that stuff and just be happy I posted, ‘kay?
I sort of promise to update more regularly with better written entries, but we both know I don’t mean it. Maybe that way I’ll actually do it…heh.
posted by Erin @ 7:45 PM
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