Really?

Dear Entertainment Tonight,

Richard Simmons? Really?

Ummmmm...ok?
e

Hurricanes Make Me Sad, So I Write Nonsense That Sort of Turns Into a Stop It! List

There is a big bug in my apartment. I haaaaate that.

Anyway, how have you been? Sorry for...you know, abandoning you, but I think we've all realized by now that that is my thing. I write something consisting mainly of promises to write more, and then I do not deliver. You should totally break up with me, I am very much not holding up my end of the bargain. But, since you're here, here is what I waste my brain thinking about.

Blue Days

I've been feeling a little grumpy lately, and I think the reason for that is the insistence of every radio station in every city in every every state around here on playing Green Day songs.

Now, I watched Green Day's Behind the Music and I think they are lovely and entertaining boys who have normal wives and cute babies. Love that. Their music? Doesn't do it for me. I don't know why and I reeeeeeeally don't care. I don't like it. I think their music is whiny and complainy and I only enjoy that when I'm doing it, or when my niece is doing it and she says, "Mama ALWAYS makes us clean up." That is the most awesome sentence ever and I don't really know why.

I'm Old

People! Almost all of my nieces are in Kindergarten or above. This means that

Me = 100 years old

Style Network

It seriously runs my life. I don't even particularly enjoy the shows on it, yet I cannot look away. How does it do this? Do you know? I decidedly do NOT enjoy the fashions shows set to house music every morning, yet sometimes I cannot look away. Is it because of the clothes? No. Is it the music? No, I fucking hate that crap. How does that network do it? I even like their little circle with the word "style" in the middle network identification thing. I am seriously seriously obsessed. And it's getting bad. I think I have now seen every episode of How Do I Look?

No, that's a lie, I know I have. I have seen them all two times.

They really aren't that good.

Help me.

Nancy Grace, et al.

Oh my God, shut up.

I mean...I can't even...I just...You are bad at this. Whatever this is that you are doing? You are not good at it. Stop it. Immediately. And Greta, and Geraldo, don't think I don't see what you fools are doing. Stop it. And also? Shepherd Smith? Are you made out of makeup? Because I think you might be...and that isn't good. So you? Stop it.

Not you, Anderson. You can do whatever, that is how happy The Mole made me when it was on a million years ago.

Magicians

Um, here's the thing. You all? You're magicians. Relax. Your profession was founded by men who like bunnies, hair gel, and glitter. Stop talking about your suffering and stop it with the staring thing. Staring and talking in an unnaturally low voice and wearing dirty clothes doesn't make you seem straight. Ok?

Walker, Texas Ranger

Wow. You guys? Here is the one scene I ever watched:

Walker: Juan, (Oh, I forgot, Juan is a gang member pointing a gun at another gang member in front of a Christmas tree. Anyway, back to our scene.) what did Jesus say to the thief who hung beside him?

Juan: (sniffle, sniffle) He said...(emotional choking)

Walker: What did He SAY, Juan?

Juan: He said [insert long, yet accurate Bible quote here]

Walker: That's right, Juan. And then He said [Insert long, long, long, even longer Bible quote here]

Juan: WWWRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH (Juan falls to the ground, peace is restored to the world, gangs no longer exist, yay for Bible-talking Walker!)

Walker's Toupee: Ah, Juan. Nobody's looking at you. I have them all in my thrall. Sorry, buddy.

Me: Ew...and also? Stop it.